Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
