i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
