he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
