did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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