i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
