So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
