Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
