Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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