Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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