allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I won't apologize to a one balled man
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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