he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
