Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You may now shotgun with the bride
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
