plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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