Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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