my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
