Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
