my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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