can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
