Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
