Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
