If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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