This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
