Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
