im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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