I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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