Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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