last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
