Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
