My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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