i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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