Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
