You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
