So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
