just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
