Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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