3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
