if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
