I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
