Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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