i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
