Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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