im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
