just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
