I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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