I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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