took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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