When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
