im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You're like the curious george of whores
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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