My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
