I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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