i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
