you turned your livingroom into a bong?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
