There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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