I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
