My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
