for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
