please come you make the beer taste better
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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