i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
